Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem.
In the name of the Divine, the most Merciful, most Kind.
A few months ago, I made the decision to leave my life in California, gave away most of my belongings, and began a journey without an itinerary nor destination.
For the first time in my life, I don’t know where I’m headed nor do I have a set plan. As someone who, for years, has craved stability and a physical home, leaving the comfort of a conventional life was a scary step. I never thought being asked where I live would be such an existential question. I still struggle wrapping my head around such a decision that feels reckless at times.
And yet, this was never a reckless decision.
This is a journey I decided to undertake with intention. In search of a place where I could live authentically and in alignment with the needs of my soul.
For so long, I’ve had a deep yearning within my heart to travel and explore the world, and this feeling was amplified with the need to feel at home somewhere. This yearning, I have come to believe, is a sign, an invitation to journey in the way of God. And ultimately, all roads lead to the One.
فَأَيْنَمَا تُوَلُّوا۟ فَثَمَّ وَجْهُ ٱللَّهِ
“So, whichever way you turn, there is the Face of God.” (Quran 2:115)
I left my home, the place where I grew up, when I was 18, and I moved quite a few times after that. Since that first move, I feel like I have never belonged anywhere, just always searching, always yearning. Perhaps this is where my desire to travel came from, in part to feel at home somewhere. But there's also something so freeing about being a stranger everywhere I go. When I first started travelling, I fell in love with the freedom of it, with the sense of discovery and wonder. Somewhere along the way, it seems, I lost this sense of wonder and craved to just settle somewhere. My travel became fuelled by the feeling that I needed to find a home. Perhaps this is delusional, or so out of reach, but with time, I am learning that feeling at home will not be the result of finding a physical place to settle down, for even when I had a stable home, I craved flight. I always yearned to be somewhere else, living a different life, experiencing a different world. I now know feeling at home is something internal, something I create for myself. All these feelings seem to be contradictory, but this is the reality of where I'm at.
So I have decided to start this blog as a way of documenting my internal journey as I travel through the world and on the path of love, and create an internal home rather than just search for it elsewhere.
Nearly two months into this journey, I have discovered that this is, to some extent, also a journey towards being comfortable with the unknown and trusting God. For as long as I remember, I’ve had my life planned out. I went to school for my B.A. then my M.A. then my PhD. And I was always a step ahead, always planning every step of the way. I used to function on high anxiety, wanting to know exactly where I’m headed, how I'm getting there, what I'm doing on the way. For the first time in my life, I am embracing the unknown. Embracing all the discomfort that comes with not knowing where I’m going next… for, does anyone ever really know where they’re going next? do we ever have full control over our lives? over the outcome?
I am learning to let go and let be.
Last year, while on a year-long medical leave and recovering from an illness, I travelled for six months, between Spain, Egypt, Morocco, Qatar, and Indonesia, after spending six months at home with my mother, who was taking care of me and helping me become whole again. Each place I visited had a message for me, allowing me to create a new version of myself and let go of beliefs that were no longer serving me.
After being away for a year, I returned to California for another year, which I had been dreading. But I found that being back in the place where I had initially gotten ill was not only inevitable but also necessary for my spiritual growth. I needed closure; I needed to close the circle where the illness had begun, once again confront my old self, and shed the beliefs I had held onto for so long. I needed to experience Santa Barbara as a reborn person. I found myself falling in love with my life there; it was almost as if I had moved to a new city, which I was just experiencing for the first time. Truly, coming back is not the same as never leaving. And that's when I learned that indeed, the internal world we create is reflected in our reality. Everything is internal, and everything is our creation. What we believe, manifests in our world.
I find myself now returning to some of the same places I visited last year but with a renewed consciousness, as a changed person, and with a different sense of purpose. I am more attuned to the messages of the universe, and I am ready to let go and let be.
[cover photo: Santa Barbara sunset by Alex Hawkins photography]